Wed Mar 5, 3:58 PM ET

BORDEAUX, France (Reuters) - The mayor of a village in southwest France has threatened residents with severe punishment if they die, because there is no room left in the overcrowded cemetery to bury them. In an ordinance posted in the council offices, Mayor Gerard Lalanne told the 260 residents of the village of Sarpourenx that "all persons not having a plot in the cemetery and wishing to be buried in Sarpourenx are forbidden from dying in the parish."It added: "Offenders will be severely punished."The mayor said he was forced to take drastic action after an administrative court in the nearby town of Pau ruled in January that the acquisition of adjoining private land to extend the cemetery would not be justified.Lalanne, who celebrated his 70th birthday on Wednesday and is standing for election to a seventh term in this month's local elections, said he was sorry that there had not been a positive outcome to the dilemma.

"It may be a laughing matter for some, but not for me," he said.

ROSEBURG, Ore. - When two guys in cowboy garb offered the sheriff's deputies doughnuts, and then the deputies investigated a burglary involving doughnuts and the prints of cowboy boots, it didn't take Sherlock Holmes to crack the case."The officers kind of put two and two together," Deputy District Attorney Dave Hopkins said Tuesday at the sentencing of Adam Hancock, 21, of Baker City on theft and burglary charges.Sheriff's deputies reported they found Hancock and his cousin, Vincent Whitely, 19, in Roseburg on Jan. 11, and the pair offered the officers doughnuts, which they declined.Shortly afterward, the officers investigated a burglary at a store from which cigarettes, candy, chewing gum and the telltale doughnuts were missing. And there were boot prints.His attorney said Hancock had mental disabilities and was "easily led." Hancock told the judge he'd been drinking whiskey before the burglary and vowed to make restitution of $895. He got two 10-day jail terms with credit for time served.

WIFE FROM HELL

A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The
officer says, "I clocked you at 80 miles per hour,
sir."

The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise
control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs
calibrating."

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: "Now
don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't
have cruise control."

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver
looks at his wife and growls, "Can't you please keep
your mouth shut for once?"

The wife smiles dem urely and says "You should be
thankful your radar detector went off when it did."

As the officer makes out the 2nd ticket for the
illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his
wife and says through clenched teeth, "Damn it,
woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?"

The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that
you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an
automatic $75 fine."

The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had
it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so
that I could get my license out of my back pocket."

The wife says, "Now dear, you know very well that
you didn't ha ve your seat belt on. You never wear
your seat belt while you're driving."

And as the police officer is writing out the 3rd
ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, "WHY
DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP???"

The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does
your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?"

* Free to good home.
* Excellent guard dog.
* Owner cannot afford to feed him anymore, as there are no more thieves, murderers or molesters left in the neighborhood for him to eat.
* Most of them knew him as 'Holy Shit.'

PASCO, Wash., Feb. 29, 2008(AP) What happened to faking a cough? Sheriff's detectives in Franklin County said a man had his friend shoot him in the shoulder so he wouldn't have to go to work.
When he first spoke with deputies, Daniel Kuch, of Pasco, told them he'd been the victim of a drive-by shooting while he was out jogging Thursday. But detectives told KONA radio that Kuch later acknowledged that he asked his friend to shoot him so he could get some time off work and avoid an upcoming drug test.
The friend, Kurtis Johnson, of Burbank, has been arrested for investigation of reckless endangerment. Kuch was booked into the county jail and is expected to be charged with false reporting.
Detectives declined to say where Kuch works, or whether he still has a job. It wasn't known if he had obtained a lawyer.

This guy needs more than a lawyer???

ST. PAUL, Feb. 29, 2008(AP) A man on his way to anger management class became angry and struck a woman, authorities said.
Justin John Boudin, 27, pleaded guilty Friday to fifth-degree assault in Ramsey County District Court and can expect to face a sentence for time served in jail, at least 120 days, and probation when he is sentenced May 5, the county attorney's office said.
According to a criminal complaint, Boudin was waiting at a bus stop on Aug. 29 when he accosted a 59-year-old woman and others.
"Why don't you show me some respect?" he allegedly yelled at the woman.
When she took out a cell phone to call police, he hit her in the face, according to the complaint. When a 63-year-old man tried to stop Boudin, Boudin hit him with a blue folder _ which fell on the ground _ and fled.
Police tracked him down through the folder, which included Boudin's anger management homework and his name, the complaint said.

Don't even have words for this dufes!!!!